Short Attention Span Theatre

A Bridge Too Far

Whilst wandering about the internet and reading my mail, I come across various bits of oddness that don't seem to fit anywhere (within my normal clas­si­fi­ca­tion system... come to think of it, that's pretty odd too). They may be funny, or weird, or disgusting, or just odd, but I never know where to store them all. That place, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, is this page.

So there I am, wandering harmlessly through my inbox. Suddenly, out of nowhere, there comes this incredible, "SPOOOOOON!" By the time the echoes have died away (why does a 10' by 10' room echo whenever a "hero" speaks?) I, like any other red-blooded man, have coura­geous­ly hidden beneath my desk. To my surprise, no one attacks me, so I peek over the top of the desk to behold: "The TICK!" He hands me this little teaser from the "lost episode," (I think he was grumbling something about pilots, and those pricks from the network) and jumps through the ceiling! After I clean up the mess, and call the leasing office to let them know that a meteorite had fallen through my ceiling (far more believable than the previous anecdote... I hope they don't read this) and that I need them to fix it, I realize that the little gem below has not been destroyed in the orgy of de­struc­tion that inevitably follows that madman around. So, going through all that to get this text to you, I would expect you at least to read it. And, if you want to read more oddness of similar bent, then head on over to the Weekly Koozbanian. I've arranged for a drop box with that guy, so I don't think that "The TICK" will be bothering me anymore.

So, without further ex­tem­po­ra­ne­ous stories, here it is:

A Bridge Too Far (the ending to a lost episode of 'The Tick')

The Count:  Well Bunny boy, I've got you now...
Arthur:     I'm a moth! Not a Bunny.
TC:         Gee, it looks like a bunny to me.
A:          Well, it's not, alright?
TC:         Maybe you should wear a sign or something.
A:          I don't need a sign!  How many sidekicks
            do you see with a sign?
TC:         None, except for the Incredible Buck Naked.
A:          That's true, I admire him greatly.  I voted
            for him to get put on a stamp, but I doubt
            it will ever happen.
TC:         Hmm, A "Buck Naked" stamp?  I'd buy a
            whole box!  I'd give them away as
            housewarming gifts!  I'd...
A:          SHUT UP!  It's a damn stamp!
TC:         Oh, As I was saying...I've got you now moth
A:          Thank you.
TC:         Are you sure you're not a bunny?
A:          YES!
TC:         Ya know, "I've got you now Bunny boy!" has
            a much better ring to it.
A:          True, but as I stated before, I'M A MOTH!!!
The Tick:   SPOOOOON!!!
TC:         Oh god, not him again.
The Tick:   What have they done to you old chum?
A:          The Count has me locked up here trying to
            get the combination to my stronghold box
            where I keep our old episodes.
TICK:       Has he tortured you?
A:          Well, he keeps calling me Bunny boy.
TICK:       Ya know, now that you mention it, you do
            look like a bunny.
A:          TICK!
TICK:       Well, ya got those long ears an all...
A:          They're Attenna!
TICK:       Sure, sure.
A:          <sigh>
TICK:       Your days are numbered count!  You'll
            never find those tapes!  Besides they're
            all recored on beta.
TC:         You fools, no one has recorded anything on
            beta in decades join the 90's man!
A:          Hey, it was gift from my Mom!
TC:         You can keep your damned tapes, I'm going
            to rip off home movies from Tommy and Pamela
            Anderson Lee and then post them on the
            Internet!  Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
TICK:       But...
A:          Shhh, quiet Tick!
TICK:       But...
A:          TICK!??!
TICK:       Another day passes and once again the
            eject button of justice tosses out that
            hideous rental tape known as evil!
A:          Is that the best you can do?
TICK:       It was short notice.
A:          Oh, Brother.
TICK:       And I suppose you can do better?
A:          Yeah, How about: "Once again, Evil is
            returned to It's proper holding cell, and
            before Midnight.  But if it should appear
            again Justice must be kind and rewind and
            return it before Midnight, again!"
TICK:       See, It's not so easy writing these things
            is it?
A:          C'mon. lets go.
TICK:       I'm hungry for popcorn, you?
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