September 19 is the In­ter­na­tion­al Talk Like a Pirate day.

Before we go any further, there's something we need to be clear about. Pirates were and are bad people. Really rep­re­hen­si­ble. Even the most casual ex­plo­ration of the history of pirates (and believe us, casual is an accurate de­scrip­tion of our research) leaves you hip deep in blood and barbarity. We recognize this, all right? We aren't for one minute suggesting that real, honest-to-God pirates were in any way, shape or form worth emulating.

So what is it exactly that we're cel­e­brat­ing here, if not pirates? What, you're wondering, is the point?

We're going to be painfully honest here, perhaps fatally so.

The point is, there is no point.

And that's what's fun about Talk Like a Pirate Day specif­i­cal­ly, and talking like a pirate in general.

We're talking about the mere image of swaggering pirateness. And while this is a guys' guide, the comely wench will have fun talking like a pirate, too. It's powerful, yet harmless. Perhaps, dare we suggest it, the ultimate aphro­disi­ac. Try it!

When Sept. 19 rolls around and suddenly tens of thousands of people are saying "arrr" and "Weigh anchor or I'll give you a taste of the cap'n's daughter," it staggers us. They are talking like pirates -- not because two yahoos from the North­west­ern United States told them to, but simply because it's fun.